U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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