You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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