On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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