I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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