I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
