her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
