Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
