so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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