Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
