Apparently you make a good broom.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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