After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
