just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
