I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
