hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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