I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
