hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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