Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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