Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
