Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
