The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
