So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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