i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
