In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
