Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
