I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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