I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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