New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
