just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
