She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
