I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
