I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
