I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
