Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
