a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
