Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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