One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think i got beer on your cat.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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