we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
