Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
