I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
