Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
