guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
