Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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