Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
