I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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