two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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