Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
