he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
