Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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