I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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