Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
