On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
