That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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